Bill Parcells is a god

July 29,2006

So I am watching the press conference with the Tuna tonight about today's practice and in his usual Parcells way makes me laugh while he is commenting on Terrell Owens. He states "Well what I usually do is I tell the player what I expect from them. Then if that doesn't work I take a ball bat to them. If that doesn't get their attention, then I send them on their way." Too bad you can't treat children the same way.

Speaking of children, my monkey is trying to get herself evicted from this house at the ripe old age of 5. She has been mouthy, stubborn, condescending, and all out disrespectful, which clearly infringes upon my territory. I didn't get along with my mom because I am too much like her and she didn't get along with Grandpa because she was too much like him. But I thought the world of my grandfather and Mom and monkey have a great relationship, so you must have to skip generations. So me and her kids will be fab. Maybe she'll spit me out a boy to watch football with. Kid love to sing though. She is starting to match me note for note in singing along with the car radio. At least they're musical and not video game addicted. Songs from the dashboard are free, discs for the Xbox are not.

Well I guess I am done talking, time for bed.

Olbermann vs. Costas

7/28/06 part II


Two on one day. I'm getting addicted to this. OK down to business.

Tale of the tape

• Keith is a smartass. Bob is a statue.
• Bob has the awards. Keith has the talent.
• Keith while less famous has branched into other genres of news. Bob has branched into golf.
  
• Bob has been nominated for baseball commisioner. Keith has the qualifications.
  
• Keith got fired because he stood up to the establishment. Bob is the definition of establishment.
  
• Keith shares my birthday. 'Nuff said.
  

I just got burned by the wife. Mark this day in history.

Give me poker or give me death.

Random Volcanoes and other reasons my house is a furnace

7/28/06

Posts on back to back days, how about that! It's frackin' hot in this house and I do not understand why. The air runs 24/7 and so do the fans, but yet we are 5 degrees cooler than the sun right now. Where is that wife of mine? Shouldn't she be home by now? Satan is probably bitching at her about how horrible our kids are, while hers are out knocking over convenient stores and knocking up whores.

Another sit-n-go another $500 on full contact. After busting out like a donkey and going broke on consecutive days it's nice to play better.

Good lord do I need a new job. I am not even being picky. I just want to be a full time employee somewhere with some health insurance. It's not like I'm trying to be Donald Trump.

Can I get a "sweat, sweat" from the congregation? Amen

Satan and Teeth

July 27,2006

Why do kids suck their thumb? I can't stand it!! I may have to knock my monkey out if she can't keep her damn thumb out. She went to the dentist today and he told her she had good teeth. She won't if she can't stop.

Satan's children were here today and as usual there was an incident and some of my stuff turned up missing. But I am the bad person. They just need to die. Someday I am going to make that happen. I'm the bad one because I don't think she is queen of the world and won't give her any respect. EVER

The wife is having an unhealthy obsession with the neighbor's trash. Evidently they are doing some midsummer's cleaning and she has become fascinated with how high the pile has become. That girl ain't right.

Well I guess I have to go to the store, maybe I'll find a hottie to check me out.

Dashboard Boogie

7/24/06

I'm a 29 year old male married with 2 kids, a dog, minivan, suv, and a house. We live the american dream, complete with the bankruptcies. The official diagnosis of me is moderatly depressed with low self-esteem and fits of anger. I like football, poker, and sci-fi. In the 2 years I have acquired 2 new obsessions, poker and Doctor Who. Doctor Who is a British Sci-Fi that has made an amazing "regeneration" after being off the airwaves for over a decade. I will apologize now, because as you can tell my thoughts just ramble on, there usually is some kind of connection jumping from thought junction to thought junction, but point "a" might be light years away from point "z".
I like country, classic rock, and have recently discoved jazz. I played violin in school until the day I graduated. I retired on that day, so don't even bother asking me to play because it's been 11 years and I probably couldn't even open the case anymore.
If you want a good idea how my psyche operates all you need to know is that my favorite Muppet characters as a child were Statler and Waldorf, the crank old guys who sat in the balcony who heckled everybody. They were my heros.
I am an only child who never met his father. I am walking contradiction. I will wait all day for a poker game online, but don't have the patience to wait for microwave popcorn. (The microwave popcorn theory states that the beauty of microwave popcorn is the ability to eat one bag while the next one cooks.)

My partner in crime, the Fro, have many theories about life. Such as:

1. Microwave popcorn theory (see above)
2. Bag theory (A chick with a great body but the face of Medusa, theory states throw a bag over her head and she will remain hot, and do-able)
3. There is no such thing as an ugly volleyball player.
   
4. All-in or Fold theory (similar to fish or cut bait and shit or get off the pot, make a decision one way or the other but get on with it all ready)

FAVORITE SAYINGS

1. Fail to plan, plan to fail

2. That’s not natural, but oak express is!

3. damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead!

4. qui-qui-riqui!

5. spoon!

6. what’s your matter?

7. from way downtown, bang!

8. you live for the fight when its all that you got

9. in the card game of life, women are the rake

10. shitballs and monkey nuts

11. hell’s bells

12. that’s hysterical

13. He just got wham-boozled!

14. That’s tough! T-u-f-f tough!

15. way to be!

16. dude, I’m there!

17. america, you’ve said loudly, proudly and with one voice Hey! Whoever, just shut up!

18. I'm just flying by the seat of my pants

My poor little wife tries but she just treads water dealing with my psychosis. I don't know how just to approach anything cautiously. I just jump in headfirst , hence the damn the torpedoes reference.

Maybe some day I figure out this life until then I'll keep crashing until I figure out how to keep this ship in the air.